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| It seems a bit over the top to write a victory entry, but I think this win deserves some words. I'll make it real short.
It has been a looooong two year wait, fellows. I remember my first year of water polo; it was me, Terry, Matt Cai, Phillip, and Miles. Just like this year, except for Cocoa and Robinson; they were playing with the big boys. But we did alright, didn't we? Undefeated at leagues (minus 1st Wilcox game), a group of fast-as-hell kids lighting the cage up like it was christmas. And we saw league champs that year, didn't we? We were on the bench watching as Bora threw down with a 4-on-6 fourth-quarter clincher. And were on the bench when Brian Yen showed up late after SATs, and we got killed 4-10ish by Mt. View and Mr. Brian Bishop. It was an amazing run we saw, an awesome 2nd place finish. That night of November 6th, 2004, I remember sitting in Elliot's house and reliving the game in my head, telling myself that I'd have that in due time.
Fast forward to Novermber 2005. We were all on the Varsity team by then, young but pretty darn green. Me and Phlip weren't quite there yet, but it was Zack and Terry's turn to shine. Captain issues aside, we had quite a season. Bora told dirty stories, Cocoa called the shots, and we made it up to league finals again, this time as the second seed. We did alright... but we lost it, oh so close, 8-7. Again, to Mt. View, again to Mr. Brian Bishop + 3 + 7 + 8. Aside from MCai's choker, it was good... But we were crushed. We were losing so many starters, our big boys. Who would carry us our senior year?
There's a vision in my head of the first day of Hell week, coming through the heavy gate and seeing the team, one big sleepyface, touseled hair, ready to fall asleep on the deck. Coach worked us like hell that hell week, but we were ready for it. And he told us... this year, our goal is League champs. We've gotten second place two years in a row. Let's bring it home for 2007."
And we had quite a run! 2 first place finishes in tourneys, 1 second place. A 22-5 record. We had Cupertino, not Mt View. And we had Jarvis, not Bishop. One monster team for another. Turns out though, that we didn't even get Tino when it came down to the line. A team beat them, and we beat the team. Long live little asian guys, right! But you know what was even more fantabulous? We came together for the first time in 4 years. I felt like I got to know every single person on the team, especially my favorite starters in the world. To be honest, I was afraid of this year, thinking of the divisions between us. I'm sure there was bad blood, distrust, digust... But you know what? Nowadays, I don't feel a thing but love for y'all. Matt, Terry, Phillip, Brandt, Stevie, Miles, Andrew Scotty, Andy, Oliver (in no particular order), you guys are the smartest dumb people I know. In all honesty, I hope we stay close for the rest of my last year here. I'll miss cheating during practice, changing without towels, and I'll miss you all more.
Three years ago, we set our eyes on the final game. And we have it! Screw Friday Night Lights, were the SCVAL 2007 champions! Fersure, ******s!
Love,
Matt (Doctrine) #4
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"The Widow"
Dead man, where you ever alive?
Or was I just a seed you buried deep inside
Some woman you wed
Right before you crawled out of her bed and crept down the hall?
Did you think of me?
Did you even for a second hesitate in the doorway?
It's just something that I'd like to know
Though I'd still love you if told me
You just walked away.
It was exactly 8:32 PM and I just had an urge to write something down. So I sat at my recently reorganized desk and thought about what it was I felt an urgent need to write about. Of course, when you sit and think, you tend to listen too (although wouldn't it be cool to isolate your senses and use only one at a time? How exciting!), and what did I hear but “The Widow†by As Cities Burn! What a coinkidinky! Straightfully, there’s no coinkidinky involved, but it's too late to change this far into the next sentence, if you know what I mean. I’ve decided that this will be a timed blog, set to end as the clock chimes nine. And before I continue, I have to tell everyone about three really awesome words that I stumbled approximately 38 hours ago.
Sex-REEEEAAAAAAGEOUS!
Sex-stacularrrrr.
Fantabulous (Fantastic + Fabulous; get it? ) :]
I don’t have the greatest relationship with my parents. No, really, I don’t. I’m not even going to lie about it. Particularly with my dear mother, although there are a lot of things about my dad that are extremely hard to deal with. Together, they combine to create one big bang for one’s buck. Not that I’m paying rent or anything; I just feel like inserting misplaced phrases all over the place. Hopefully y’all are still reading right side up. Anyway, it’s a bit of a hell-hole in here. And I don’t want it to change, as weird as that sounds.
Looking back at who I was four years ago, and then looking at myself now, I have to say that sometimes I feel quite disgusted at the figure smirking in the mirror. I remember when I believed in all those ideals; love, morality, kind-heartedness, humility. And now, I would be ashamed to associate any of those words with myself. I don’t blame it on my parents, no… I believe that they’ve shaped who I am, but I want to think that I made the decision myself. I’ve thrown myself wholeheartedly at the world, drowning myself in culture and fashion and political incorrectness, and I think that I might just need a floatation device to save me. I wanted to be a walking brand-name advertisement, an asshole just as egotistical as the world came to expect. Was I a test subject? Yes, I was, and my parents failed miserably. But their failure was not in me becoming who Matt Chen is now; they’re failure was never supporting me in anything.
I guess it’s kind of sketchy, expecting parents to encourage a kid to dive off the deep end. I’ll give them credit for one thing; instilling values within me that make me feel real guilty every time I take a look at the messes I’ve created. However, I feel sad knowing that nobody is there to make me feel it’s okay to be a horrible person. No complaints, no emo-ness, no time for pathetic self-reflection. But I have no one to stand by me and look me in the eye and say, “I have faith in you.†My friends are amazing, but don’t try to lie to me and say that you don’t think I’ve got some major issues to solve. Do I believe that myself? Maybe. Either way, I guess what I want is absolute, immortal; a “blanket endorsement.†No conditionals. I want 2 people who will look at me as I look straight past them, and still think, “There’s nothing wrong with this kid. Nothing at all.â€
Because I wouldn’t change myself for the world. But I’ll doubt myself to the end of it… And at times, the end of the world just seems so far away.
Love,
Matt
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| Hey... I don't know how many people read this thing, or who, but whoever does, could y'all do me a big favor?
I don't know what the world thinks, but I don't have a girlfriend right now. We broke up like three weeks ago because we figured being friends would be easier.
And I know nobody believes me (or cares), but I have no intention of getting back together with her, nor does she with me. I'd really appreciate it if people acknowledged that we're not together, and we won't be together again. To be honest, it bothers me that she doesn't have her own identity, and that I don't have mine.
Please, if you hear someone saying something about me and her still together, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE correct them? Hell, tell people anyway. And if they say something about us being on and off or something along those lines, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell them it's not happening.
Love,
Matt | | |
| A true entry might be coming your way soon...
Until then,
 
Water polo hurts.
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| They say a picture is worth a thousand words. So how much is a thousand words in monetary terms?
So this summer, I took a $4,000 price-tag class at Stanford. It was beginning B&W photography. My camera was $300, the paper alone cost $150, and the supplies… but it’s changed my life. I bulk loaded (basically I ordered a roll of 100 ft. of film and rolled 36 exposures by hand into empty canisters) around 30 rolls of film, which *36 is 1080 shots. I had to shoot all that by today; I now spend my day think of how people look in terms of aperture, shutter speed, and contrast filters. The professor is this aging golden-retriever-like man who is incredibly knowledgeable about society and history, but with an art twist. The twist is that unlike most other history professors, he likes to put his bare feet up on the tables while giving lectures and massage his toes. In all seriousness though, he redefined what art truly is to me, as well as how I perceive my own work. In the process, he also taught me things about love, tension, patience, and foresight that I didn’t think could be learned.
Photos are incredibly powerful tools. I never realized how much we teach ourselves to skim over the daily paper or internet sites without really thinking about what’s there to be seen. Honestly, how many people spend more than five seconds looking at the pictures from Iraq, or Israel, or Lebanon that flood the media every day? There are shapes and textures and lighting and objects and backgrounds and contrasts involved in each, not to mention the actual subject matter. It’s very eye-opening to work long hours with 15 other students (mostly Stanford grad kids) in dark rooms and in the classroom; things take new meaning in monochrome.
[edit]
“For your third and final assignment, I’d like you to create three compositions of a person, and three more compositions that explain that person. The person should be someone that fascinates you… that captivates and interests you. Through your pictures, you should be able to learn something about that person that you can only discover from the camera. The theme is Love… what is Love? Love is… an intense magnetism toward someone, a need to understand them… that has no limit, no set boundary. It may be called attraction, or intrigue… it is very different from being in Love… Find a person you Love, and want to understand why you Love…If the photographer has tension in their relationship with the subject, that tension will invariably find its way into the pictures. On the other hand, if an intimacy is shared, it too will be apparent. Think of the person who would be your first choice to photograph. Then think of the last person who you’d decide to photograph. Both would be good subjects for this project…The opposite of affection is not hatred. It is indifference.”
- Jason Francisco
Originally, I had too many people to decide whom to use for my last assignment. If I wanted to explore an intimate relationship, I felt that I should use Eric, Ananth, Jessica Hsieh, and Cassie… and for portraying tension, I had Carol, Nicole, Mike, and Jessica Tsai. Alternately, I had an interest in shooting Heidi and Shirley, because based on the description of Love Prof. gave us, I Loved them the most. I wanted to understand them, because I don’t. In the end, I didn’t really have a chance to shoot much at all. But I decided that tension is clearest in a picture, so I decided to use Nicole. For my other three prints, there was a sequence of chopping down a tree.
The main idea of publishing photos is that a photographer gives up veto on the purpose/meaning of a picture once he/she publishes them. In this case though, since we were discovering things about people we knew, I had to explain my thought process. It required some jumbling of my thoughts and impressions of Nicole, whom I’m all that close to. After the discussion, Prof. suggested that my work was incomplete, and that I should shoot more of her. He also told me that some writing would help me. And so this is what I figured.
Unlike with most of my friends, I remember exactly how I met Nicole. It was freshman year, after a symphonic orchestra rehearsal in March, and I was talking to Winston by the vending machines. Then this girl walked up to us and joined the conversation. The first thing she ever showed me was the purple birthmark on her finger. I was slightly repulsed, but interested. Then, she started explaining the inner workings of her oboe to me, and I lost my interest. She was persistent though, and I obliged.
Then, probably a week later, on the annual SF trip to the Museum of Fine Arts, I tried to flirt with her on the bus. And also during the trip. I didn’t think it was a big deal, but apparently someone thought it was, because after that trip we didn’t talk for about a year. I guess it hurt my man-ego-pride, which was weird because at the point I don’t remember having all that much man in me, not to mention ego-pride. Either way, I dubbed her the Ice Queen in my head, and I had a series of bitch sessions with Heidi about it. She accused me of liking her, which I vehemently denied. It wasn’t completely true though… I never knew her well enough to feel that way, and I don’t believe I would have if I did. I didn’t think she was all that pretty either… but there was something about her that felt magnetic. I was attracted to her, but not strictly as a girl.
And it wasn’t until April of 2005 that the ice melted during our Spain Trip.
Things change. For one thing, I think Nicole is a darn pretty. For another, she’s not made of ice. And we’re a lot better now. However, there’s always been tension. And might I add that tension used in art context is not a good or bad thing; it’s neutral. When I say that there’s tension between us, I don’t mean that we have problems or that it’s awkward. There’s just none of the peace and relaxation that tie into the art word intimate. Tension is blacks and whites, and none of the grays. It’s a high contrast, motion-oriented picture. And when you look at my shots, they show that. Ananth mentioned to me that he wouldn’t have chosen Nicole at billiards. However, it wasn’t about putting her in her element; I just decided that the lighting and the shapes of the table/cue balls, etc., would show the tension that I wanted to explore.
I think Nicole is someone who believes 100 percent in herself. Not to mention how she kicked my ass twice in a row, she shot like she believed what she was doing. I think that she’s really powerful in that way; if I could imagine what kind of profession she’d enjoy, I’d honestly say something like, “Warrior.” Or “Tiger” (Yes, I know it’s an animal not a job.)
I’ve always felt that pool is a violent game. It’s chaotic and it can be really cold... The way the balls sound when they collide or break apart, and the way the player align themselves and prepare for the shot, then let loose. There’s also a romance about it all, with the lighting and the felt and the smooth cue sticks. Nicole seems to remind me of all that. She’s violent in the chaotic sense. I always see a sort of disarray when I look at her; her clothes, her blogs, her schoolwork. Not that she’s messy, but sort of unplanned. (I would use spontaneous, strong, and sexy to describe her). On the other hand, she knows exactly what she’s doing, and she has fluid precision in her movements (ie when she’s playing oboe).
This all ties into the tree pictures in a few ways. The two sequences are mechanically similar to me; the first pictures show complete and unbroken pictures of a grown tree and a full rack of cue balls. The second pictures are scenes of violence, where the complete is shattered and chaos appears. The chips from the wood fly and the (blood-red) bark scatters just like the balls seem to explode upon contact. Finally, the end result. However, the tree pictures also link to Nicole. When my dad was chopping that tree down, I was really repulsed. I’m really intolerant to gore and blood and stuff like that, ie in movies. In the end, though, I was really attracted to it, with a sort of twisted fascination. I’m definitely not repulsed by Nicole (nor by her finger- anymore), but looking back, I never expected to get to know her. I thought she’d drift out of my life as unexpectedly as she entered it, but I was wrong. I’m attracted to Nicole as a person; she really fascinates me.
One thing that I would have liked to understand more was the tension. When I see Nicole with other people, I don’t sense tension. Especially with her close friends, I see a lot of intimacy; intimacy in the smooth, quiet sense. It’s more internal, close and small, and viscous. I don’t really understand why I see tension between us, though. Maybe I’d need to get to know and understand her a lot better before I could explore that. Hopefully, I’ll get a chance to before we have to say goodbye at graduation.
There’s more that I said and felt and understood when I was in class; honestly, you had to be there to hear it all. But I think I summed it up pretty well. Thanks, Nicole.
  
Long nights "spent" with your most obvious weaknesses
you start shaking at the thought
you are everything I want
cause you are everything I'm not.
See you at school.
Love,
Matt
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